The original was an unexpected delight. This one is an unfunny disaster. It’s also unfocused and desperate; like Seth MacFarlane’s last outing, “A Million Ways to Die in The West,” this movie heads in a dozen different directions, but virtually none of them work. The result: a story that goes on and on, around and around, never hitting its stride, spewing jokes that are – at best – cringe-worthy. In a struggle between crass and creative, crass wins every time. It’s unfailingly crude, sometimes lewd, often embarrassingly rude. What it never is – is entertaining. And its ending is way, way too far from its beginning. A couple of questions: Why is MacFarlane not being sued for his tasteless swipes at the Kardashians and Justin Beiber? How did he get well-known people – especially Tom Brady and Jay Leno – to do embarrassing cameos? Didn’t Liam Neeson recognize his sequence was stretched on beyond its punchline? Or is it all just proof of the universal truth in Hollywood: “I’ll do anything you want me to – just let me be in your movie?”
Oh, but this is so bad, so disappointing in so many ways. Seth MacFarlane showed more talent on Jimmy Kimmel doing a Liam Neeson impression than he does in this full movie here. One indication he’s lost his way: In one fifteen minute period in this film, there are three musical sequences, including one showing woods animals at night while Amanda Seyfried sings about the moon. The movie jumps around from being a bromance to being a chase film, and from being a poor excuse for a comedy to being a poor excuse for a serious film where both Seyfried and Freeman argue the case for Ted’s “personhood” in front of a jury, both using exactly the same argument in different words. But mostly – maybe even exclusively – what it is, is a druggy, juvenile, racist, gross-out reason to see a different movie. Want laughs? You’re going to need to find them elsewhere; this teddy bear just ain’t funny.