review ‘parker’

Parker_2013_Movie_Poster

What a long, boring, predictable, time-wasting piece of nonsense. What is this Parker guy about anyway? He says: “I don’t steal from anyone who can’t afford it and I don’t hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.” And then he robs the Ohio State Fair and burns down several tents — and the rest of the movie is about him getting even with his partners. Sound inconsistent with his beliefs? Ya think? So, why would I see a piece of junk like this? Well, it’s got a great pedigree. It was directed by Taylor Hackford who directed ‘Ray,’ ‘The Devil’s Advocate,’ and ‘An Officer and a Gentleman.’ It was written by John J. McLaughlin, who wrote ‘Black Swan;’ and it’s based on a story by the late Donald E. Westlake who has written a number novels, including my favorite, ‘Kahawa.’

But sometimes even great DNA goes wrong – and oh boy, did it go wrong here. This is a crime-heist-revenge-shoot-em-up that’s loopy, derivative, and really far-fetched, with a cast that shows less than the minimum-required amount of talent. One example: Jennifer Lopez plays a realtor who can’t seem to get a date, find a husband, make her own coffee, or close a sale. But, at one point, she does take off her clothes. Actually, realtors seldom do that, I think. No one in this movie is much good although they are all trying to stay through the end, if only because the only other alternative is to die or be dropped from the plot — and neither is especially good for their career.

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